


burn the stars

by bluntforcedrauma (fundips)



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: ASLDFKJASKLDF?, Angst, Character Study, Childhood Trauma, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Family Issues, Feelings Realization, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Internal Monologue, Introspection, M/M, Marijuana, Recreational Drug Use, gon and killua smoke weed this is new, i wrote this??, illumi is referenced frequently but does /not/ show up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-24
Updated: 2017-08-24
Packaged: 2018-12-19 08:24:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11893812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fundips/pseuds/bluntforcedrauma
Summary: Gon teaches Killua about all the mountain grasses and plants he’s sampled. Including weed. It yields unexpected results and revelations.





	burn the stars

**Author's Note:**

> ASDFGJKL? I can't believe I wrote this. 
> 
> Based on this [meme](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/1c/ec/85/1cec8577d84d282ce42469e23fac5ef6.jpg) everyone in the HxH fandom has probably seen at least once, I never thought I would write anything like this.

Killua could give Gon credit: Whale Island was a beautiful place to grow up as a child. It fostered adventure and a sense of comfort that could only be described as “new.” Although the forests that surrounded the Zoldyck mansion were well-kept and familiar, this was something else entirely. Whale Island felt alive and free, without the sense of impending doom his family’s property had pressing on his shoulders. The woods he explored with Gon were serene and calm. Killua followed him through winding paths of mud, boggy in places as it fell into gullies and rose up the hills. They raced through the trees, leaping over thin winding creeks and slippery rocks. Killua dodged and zipped past rotting oaks and under lowered and snapped branches until everything blurred into dizzying blend of earthy tones.

Best of all he was able to do it all with Gon, and he wouldn’t want it any other way. The entire trip seemed “innocent,” a concept he was deprived of during most of his life. It felt almost strange to do so many things with so much freedom. It seemed like Gon had so much to share and Killua had so much to learn about having a normal childhood and a simple life. He could almost say he was jealous, though he wasn’t about to admit such a thing.

It was _fun_ , something he wasn’t quite used to while growing up.

By the end of the day, Killua was worn out but quite pleased. Gon had taught him how to fish, and upon catching one they roasted it over a fire as the sun began to fall over the treetops. They had found a nice and quiet clearing to relax and unwind after the day’s activities, right next to a small lake. As twilight ensued, the surface of the water was as smooth as black glass. The thought of his eldest brother’s eyes matching its vacancy began to form in his mind, but he managed to push it away as he gave a glance to Gon. He was safe now, further away from his brother than ever before. Being by his side gave Killua more comfort than his own family, which mildly disturbed him but it was also a sign that he wanted something for once in his life.

He wanted to _stay_ , and after Gon’s enthusiastic and endearing statement (‘ _Then let’s stick together,’_ Killua recalled Gon’s assertion word for word, ‘ _We can travel around and see the world together!’_ ) he was sure that his desire triumphed everything Illumi had taught him about his destiny and purpose.

“Killua are you okay?”

The words shook Killua from his thoughts. Gon was staring at him with a look of concern, his head turned to the side and the campfire’s flames flickering orange light over his face.

“What? Yeah. Why would you ask that?” Killua replied, his tone a bit drawn out and low.

“You look like you’re thinking about something.”

He was right of course, but it would be embarrassing to say it out loud. Killua chewed a bit on his cheek as he glanced away from Gon to stare up at the stars instead. What if Illumi was right? What if Gon would eventually become someone he got bored of? What if the happiness he felt with Gon faded and he would be left with nothing but sick thoughts and a morbid curiosity to see if he could kill his own best friend? That was the way he was raised, wasn’t it?

“Killua!”

He was snapped from his train of thought again, blinking several times. Gon was kneeling next to him, eyes a bit wide with unease.

“Are you okay?” he reiterated, his voice clear and sharp.

“Yes.” The lie slipped out smooth and easy. Why did it feel so wrong?

“You’re not, or else you wouldn’t go quiet.”

Killua growled a bit at that, sitting up to face him. “If you know that I’m not okay then why ask again, idiot?”

Gon’s eyes went downcast at that as he began to chew on his lip. “Maybe…because I expect you to be honest with me about how you’re feeling for once.”

His words struck Killua in the heart, a dull ache beginning to form in his chest. Honesty was difficult to come by within his own family and even harder to confront within himself. _The truth is treason in an empire of lies_ , Illumi had drilled into him. _Lies choke you and make you feel empty. That is the way you were born, that is the way you were raised. You’re a liar and a killer Killu._

“Gon…” Killua grimaced. “I’m sorry. I don’t feel very well right now but I’m not sure if I want to talk about it. It’s too personal.”

To Killua’s relief, Gon nodded.

“It’s okay! I think I know how I can help though.”

Killua groaned.

“Gon you don’t have to, I’m fine. The feeling will probably go away eventually anyways—”

But Gon was already standing up and moving away from him and towards the edge of the clearing. He seemed to be pulling some leaves from a small bush that Killua couldn’t recognize quite yet.

Gon made his way towards the campfire and sat down, patting the area next to him as a gesture to coax Killua next to him.

“What is that?” Killua asked as he crawled towards the spot, watching him curiously. Gon must have plucked a bundle and the shape of the leaves seemed familiar… Killua couldn’t recollect where he’d seen it before.

“Aunt Mito would make a tea from this whenever granny would have very bad aching in her bones. You can breathe in the fumes and it can act as stress relief and it can calm you down,” Gon explained as he began to tear the pieces of the leaves so they would kindle and burn better.

Killua was… skeptical.

“Are you sure inhaling fumes is safe?”

“It is! I see some of the fisherman down by the pier do it sometimes and nothing bad ever happens.”

The white-haired boy grumbled as Gon gave him the fresh bundle of the leaves. “Alright fine, but this better not screw me up too much.” Killua gave him a shifty gaze. “Have you ever even done this before?”

“Not until now,” Gon muttered. “But if you’re going to do it, I want to do it too. That way if it is bad, we can share its effects!”

“E-Eh?!”

But before Killua could say anything else, Gon was already inhaling through his nose, the bundle catching fire for a quick moment before going out. The smoke wasn't completely opaque as he let it puff from his mouth, but its long grey wisps seemed to curl in the air like cattails. He gave a quick smile to signal his state.

“I’m okay Killua, it’s not a big deal.”

“What do you mean it’s not a big deal, what if this is poisonous? You could die—” Killua gave a cough as Gon exhaled more smoke and blew it right in his face. The scent was distinctive, he acknowledged. It most definitely had a signature taste as well. “Fine fine!” Killua sighed, giving in. He touched the tip of the bundle of leaves to the flames cautiously and inhaled as Gon did, choking a bit on the strength of the stench. Just as he breathed in, he felt a sweet burning sensation curl throughout his lungs and throat.

Killua blinked a few times as he exhaled. It wasn’t _entirely_ unpleasant, but it felt a bit unnatural. He testingly inhaled once more after lighting the tip of the bundle on the campfire, breathing in. This time he inhaled slowly, his system responding to the smoke, and he felt his lungs being wrapped by a warm blanket. Taking small, slow sips of the fumes, he felt delighted, like he had never felt before. “Hey Gon, this isn’t… that bad.”

“See… I told you…” Gon reassured him, the words drooling from his mouth slowly like syrup. He was sniffing the charred leaves curiously, thin strands of smoke lifting into his nose. His pupils were already decently dilated and his muscles in his back were almost completely unraveled and loose. Killua could sense his own tension fading away: whether it was from the smoke or being in the presence of Gon’s contagious emotions, he couldn’t tell.

Before Killua knew it, his back was on the ground and he was staring up at the sky. He wasn’t sure how he ended up in that position but his brain was lagging and he felt sluggish and tired, so it was likely he sprawled across the ground because it was cooler and more relaxing that way. He hadn’t realized how tight his muscles subconsciously were, like he was constantly vigilant for being attacked at any moment. But now… he was vulnerable. The thought would have made panic rise in his chest under normal circumstances, but he felt safe here. Safe with Gon, on Whale Island, far away from Illumi and his family.

Illumi. That’s what he was worried about. Before fear could claw itself back into his nerves it was already melting away. He could only think about Gon, focusing on his presence and how honest and _there_ he was.

Killua reached up to touch his own face as he stared blankly at the sky, fingertips meeting with trails of wet tears rolling down his face. Is this what it felt like to be safe? To be completely comfortable, completely fearless? He wasn’t sad, he was happy. At least that’s what it felt like.

“Killua? Why are you crying?”

He vaguely heard Gon’s voice next to him and he felt a hand wrap around his wrist, but he suddenly felt too weak to move. It wasn’t the smoke, Killua acknowledged. He was resistant to all poisons, all drugs, but he couldn’t resist the way his mind succumbed to a source of comfort that _wasn’t_ Illumi. A source of comfort that _wasn’t_ pain, a source of comfort that _wasn’t_ the cause of—

Killua’s breath hitched in his throat as he felt Gon’s fingers gripping a bit tighter, drawing him out of his painful turmoil of thoughts and fears. He looked to the side to meet those eyes, half-lidded and a bit glazed. Although Killua had taken a slight hit from the plant’s qualities, the high had only lasted a few minutes thanks to his background and resistance to intoxication. Gon on the other hand seemed definitely vulnerable to its effect. 

“Killua, how do you feel?”

He felt his eyes soften at Gon’s words.

How _did_ he feel?

Killua knew he would defend Gon with his life even if the odds were insurmountable. He would never betray him, never give up on him. He would never abandon him. He would never put him in danger, no matter how noble the cause may be. If he ever gave up on him then he will have slain himself, for it was Gon’s heart that pumped blood in his veins. With Gon he would always find his way back. When fear set his compass spinning, it wouldn’t matter which direction he took.

“I feel like I’m home,” Killua murmured, and that was the truth.

**Author's Note:**

> I am accepting prompts and ideas! You can inbox me at [this Tumblr](https://godspeedcomplex.tumblr.com) (@godspeedcomplex) either anonymously or not and I will either write a drabble or full-length fic depending on how excited I am for the concept! Thanks for reading <3


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